Reigning Cats and Dogs

I see her there beneath the hedge. She’s crouching like a tiger. Only the very tip of her tail twitches as she glares at me with yellow eyes. She’s waiting for me to pass by and then she’ll reach out and slash me with her claws. It’s happened often enough; I know what to expect.I’ll just wait. He’s so stupid, he may fall for it again. If he doesn’t, I’ll nap.The day Mom and Dad brought her home, I had no idea the shambles she’d make of my life. She was so tiny. Just a little bit of harmless fluff.  Even I thought she was cute. They were gaga over her, and while I didn’t particularly like that, I couldn’t complain. I still got plenty of attention.Oh, he tried to make friends at first, but his clumsy efforts annoyed me. I’d mew piteously so the humans thought he was hurting me. They’d swat him and yell NO. It was funny.She’s clever, I’ll give her that. That time she barfed on Mom and Dad’s bed, she waited until I came to investigate before meowing her head off. Mom came in and saw me standing over the disgusting pile. Who got yelled at? Me. Okay, full disclosure, I was thinking about rolling in it, but still.It’s too easy sometimes. Once he dared to lie on my favorite sofa cushion. He didn’t move even after I walked over and hissed – just rolled his goofy brown eyes at me. He should know puppy eyes don’t work with me. So I waited until he was asleep and then pounced from the top of the sofa. He leaped straight up in the air, came down on the coffee table and broke the big human’s remote. Oh, there was hell to pay, but I didn’t pay it. I just dematerialized and watched from under a chair. When the ruckus was over, I took a nice nap on my favorite sofa cushion.I hurt my back leg in that coffee table incident and got an awful scolding, but the worst thing was seeing her grin. Mom and Dad don’t know cats can grin, and I’m glad they don’t. I wouldn’t want them to see such a sight. I try to protect them by blocking her, but they don’t understand the danger. They say, “Look who’s jealous,” and laugh. They wouldn’t laugh if they really knew her.My plan for today is simple. If I can’t claw him from under the hedge, I’ll wait until he’s sleeping. He sleeps twenty hours a day, so it won’t be a long wait. Then I’ll drag the kibble out of his dish a piece at a time. I’ll scatter it where the humans walk so when they step on it there will be what they call a mess. I’m hoping they’ll put his bowl on the counter where he can’t reach it. I’ll jump up and sit over his food and grin at him. He hates that.I’m so hungry! I didn’t finish my breakfast, thinking I could go back for a mid-morning snack. But then she scattered my food all over the floor and they thought I did it. Now my bowl is out of reach and she’s sitting up there pretending not to see me. I hate her, I hate her! I wish I could think of revenge, but I’m not good at planning. I’m good at walkies, though, and naps and fetch.He’s never figured out that fetch is a degrading exercise. (There is absolutely no correlation to me chasing the laser pointer, no matter what he says. That’s a ballet of feline grace and agility.) In the “game” of fetch, humans throw something – a ball, a stick, whatever – and he runs like an idiot, brings it back and drops it at their feet. Then they throw it again, and he runs after it again. He smiles all over his dumb face and runs until his tongue hangs out. It would bring me to tears of vicarious shame if I actually cared.Maybe once a day, she’ll approach Mom and Dad and rub up against them. They drop everything and stroke her. Sometimes she’ll roll over on her back and let them rub her belly and when she’s had enough, she’ll bite. She bites them, and they just laugh! If I bit somebody, oh my, baaaad dog! Call the vet, call the dog trainer, call the police. Who made these rules? The Cat King?He’s asleep again and I’m cold. I’ll curl up next to him for warmth. At least he’s got one use: he’s a big furry heater.Even though I’m asleep, I can feel her settle right up against me. It’s creepy, but I can’t make myself wake up to chase her away. I’ll put my paw over her to hold her down. So sleepy…skknnxx.“Honey, come look at this. Get the camera. Aren’t they the sweetest little best friends!”