Attention: Frederick K. Lucifer
Please accept this letter as notice of my resignation, effective immediately. After ten years of working closely with you, I can honestly say I’ve learned a lot.
Wanda Winkler, Chief Deputy Assistant and General Flunky
Oh, and P.S.
I hope you won’t mind if I take this opportunity to leave some feedback. It’s given in the same spirit of constructive criticism with which you so often ruined my day. Consider it my exit interview.
I know you worry about your appearance because you often fish for compliments. You know when you got that new haircut and asked me how it looked and I, trying to hang onto my paycheck, said great? I lied. It’s still a comb-over. And double-breasted suits make you look like the Penguin.
You ordered the permanent deletion of those photos someone (okay, it was me) posted online after the last Christmas party. Well, guess what: once something is on the Internet, it never dies. If you check social media, you’ll find those photos alive and well and having a lively afterlife.
Allow me explain what a “raise” is. A raise means I get more money. Obviously, this is a foreign concept to you.
Although you are much too busy with matters of great importance to bother about something as mundane as food, you should know this: when you raid the lunches in the office fridge, we go straight to our computers and research untraceable poisons.
Nobody wants to hear about the tax burdens of wealth. If it’s you vs. the IRS, we’re rooting for the IRS.
People are not really laughing with you.
Here’s an idea: seniority is when employees who have been with you the longest receive pay based on their years of service and abilities. When you hire new people for more than the old people are making, there are dreams of revenge. (See “photos” above)
And when the workforce dreams of revenge…(See “untraceable poisons” above).
But maybe I’m being too hard on you. Being a boss is a tough job. It must take maturity, patience, and the ability to both take responsibility and give credit where it’s due. Maybe if I was the boss, I’d…oh, wait! You know that hostile company takeover you’ve been worried about? It’s happening – I have it on good authority. In fact, I have it from my new boss, who just made me your new boss. You should be getting the revised organizational chart in your inbox soon. It’s a bit of a demotion for you, but as you frequently said to me, feel lucky you have a job.
See you Monday.